Fortunately Unfortunate

Unfortunately Fortunate? or Fortunately Unfortunate?

It's not that I don't wanna talk to him again, but I just want to weigh things and discern because it has always been a struggle to fight between my emotions and reasons...I'm sure where this story will lead us, it's either we'll end up hating each other in the process or loving each other or just stop whatever the connection was. Well, to be honest we've been there already. Not the hating part, not the loving part but the sudden cut of communication. I almost wanna end it up not because I want it but because I should--- 


And yeah I forgot, this is America--- when you tell someone to stop, they would-- they wouldn't even care or dare to ask why or whatever, they will just do whatever you wanted them to do. Unlike in the Philippines, when you tell someone stop, they would do the exact opposite of what you want them to do and ask you over and over again---sounds creepy and annoying but that's cultural difference indeed. 

Anyway, I've been constantly fighting my thoughts that guys are the same, they're just there temporarily, that they're just there to make you smile for awhile then leave you hanging in the end, that they're just there to impress you, that they're not being sincere of their intentions with you, that they're just there to make you cry if not to make you hate yourself little by little. People can't blame me for having such kind of misconception? or let's just say, perception? or maybe, reality that I've been trying to shift to something extraordinarily untrue.

For me who has been into love, in love, in pain, in agony in the past? duh, this things hasn't really been new to me and I've learned so much from the past relationship that I have, and I realized, it's never too late for me to know someone who's worthy enough to indulge into something deep and intimate about me and what have been through in my life. I did not close my heart to beat again, to trust despite the heartaches and indefiniteness of the world and of people I get to meet in the walk of life rather I gave myself another chance to experience uncertainty between two people exchanging feelings with each other. It may not be that strong but at least you've showed sincerity despite the vagueness of the situation given.

I'm sure I met you for a reason and for me to know that reason, I need to search it out for myself and eventually as time goes on and as the clock tick I learnt that you were there to make me feel that loving myself isn't enough to live my life as it is but I have to give myself respect. I knew I loved myself that much that I almost forgot that respect is also part of my ingredient in preparing myself in loving others. I did gave in to temptation not because I want it but because I allowed myself to commit a sin for the sake of showing others some love even to the point of forgetting your own self in the process.

I did not regret it, but I learned from it. At least I let him feel that he's worthy of me and my life. Nonetheless, it dawned on me that even though a person would let you feel worthy of being respected as a woman, there will always come a point that he'll fail. I believe that he didn't mean to fail but there's a reason for him to fail. It's just up to him to change himself for the better or just allow himself to fail again. Failure is never final, unless you let it be.

I admire this person so much because he made me feel worthy even though he also made me feel unworthy. But even so I felt I wasn't respected, I felt I was important in an "unrespectable" way. I wasn't happy of what had happen but I was happy of the outcome because I did not delve into the negativeness but to the positiveness of it. I will never ever do that again to someone. Just to him. Just to him. He should be that special for me to say that. Yes, He is that special. It's just that I am not sure and I am not that ready to risk again and to allow another investment of feelings especially that He hasn't been to really not so good relationships in the past. I am not expecting for us to be together though because maybe he's not really the one for me, or maybe, it's too real that I felt it's temporary...but when two people connect with each other in an intimate way, there will always be a possibility of falling in love, or falling deeply in love and the sad thing is, He's never there emotionally---just physically. I don't know, it wouldn't be fair for me to judge him because I don't know what he is really feeling on the inside. I wish, wishes come true so that I can wish that I may be able to know every beat of his heart.   


I am not in love with him, but there's something in him that makes me just want to pound my head, in a good way---- I would say, he is my only exception. All the more for me to be scared of the future even if I'm living one day at a time, it's still a factor because when you're connected you're already in a relationship not as boyfriend or girlfriend maybe but something deep??? neah, or maybe something unexplainable by human wisdom. It's fortunate that after awhile, I've trusted someone so much that I am not afraid of anything. I don't care if he'll think less of me as a person what's important is that I've shared part of my life to him. And that's even more scary----


Yes, you said we're friends and will always be---And that gives me the comfort in my heart that "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be... the future's not ours to see, que sera sera...." 

You're near yet so far... and that makes us..

FORTUNATELY UNFORTUNATE.