Little things are GREAT

Waking up to a clean kitchen made me extremely happy. It caught my attention since husband did it. Come on! If I can write when I am overly sentimental, I can also write when I am in so much bliss. 

Little things are GREAT. I admit I am this easy to please. It's probably because it's my first Love Language, ACT OF SERVICE--- from the Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman. You would think it's just an excuse so I will have a reason to feel good, but no! When my husband does little acts not to necessarily please me but just to help out, my joy is beyond compare. 

He doesn't know that it affects my day big time-- my food tastes better, I am generous with my smile and everything seems to peaceful and harmonious. Who eats ramen noodle with home made mocha cappucino with a smile?

All I'm saying is, those act of kindness might be small to others but to me it's as wide as the Universe---- Little things are GREAT! 

Clumsiness to Inconvenience

My clumsiness sometimes results to inconvenience. With that said, I know I have to work on my clumsiness so I don't have to inconvenience others over it. However, there are also people who just seem to not have a room for "consideration". 

I have a gigantic room for chances and consideration for others that I almost expect others to do the same with me. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. 

With people who doesn't have any room for consideration, I have to forcefully impede my own expectation, my own desire to want to be considered. I have to suppress my feelings and I have to constantly understand and try to give that little chance in my heart. 

Only because I am not like them, I think I have the right to find myself justice for being treated like trash for a simple "mistake" when it can be considered immensely. I cry and cry and cry... all i can do is cry... because I don't have a way to explain myself, to express what I truly feel. I can't say, "hey, cut me some slack and be more considerate" because the other person has already gone mad and exploded because of my clumsiness.

Imagine yourself doing such, and others over reacting to it in a very demonic way---how do you think would you respond? Human as I am, because I don't see such a big deal to my actions but the other person made a huge deal about it.. I feel like I had to also respond in a demonic way! 

I am no perfect individual--- no matter how hard I try to always understand, to give people chances, to consider them.. but how do you do that to people who doesn't even give you a tiny bit of "consideration" when things aren't pretty. 

I labeled myself a rebel for all the years.
I've lived. I labeled myself a hero, because I am always the first one to seek justice.

Now, I labeled myself a clumsy one who is unworthy of any "consideration"...

I have labeled myself defenseless...because I don't have the right to express.

I have never cried as much in my entire life..

I have never burdened others with my weakness.. 

I have never felt so little in my life....
I have never felt so disgusted of myself...
I have never felt "empty"...

Now, I have burdened people because I've felt I couldn't win a war I'm not even equipped on fighting. 

I have felt so little and disgusted of myself because of that little amount of consideration and patience that I couldn't seem to get...

I have felt I am useless, unworthy and unimportant...

I've lost a battle that hasn't even started.......

I've remained because God remained. But, should I remain when all else fails and I'm the only one standing---- lost and defeated but still trying? 

When one seemed to be always trying to understand the other, but failed to understand oneself or worse failed to acknowledge oneself. 

It ain't too late to equip myself with armory of defense but I don't have enough Support to train me with much preparedness.

I don't have a battalion, I only have me.

My omniscient, omnipresent God has forgotten. me..

That's when I allow myself to be controlled with my emotions. I immediately feel alone but in reality, we are never alone. 

I might feel that I wasn't being considered when my clumsiness was magnified but I also forgot that maybe, others felt I was being inconsiderate for being clumsy. It's easy to accuse others when we are in our sentimental state because we want to always be right at that moment. However, it's also true that when we are caught with our emotions, it's better for us to calm down first and think of the matter rationally than emotionally.

Thankful for my mother in law and my father in law who never fail to remind me of bible verses and words of encouragement. Thankful for Gods laborers who are constantly working on our lives and in our lives. 

My clumsiness brought inconvenience to others but those little things helped me understand how important it is to value how others feel rather than how I feel--- After all, life is not just about how I feel. 

After Life

I know. It's morbid and no one wants to even talk about it.

I'm at work now and although I did not want to be here today, I had to. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and  thoughts of death dawned on me. it's not because I wanna die but because I have been tolerating an excruciating head ache plus neck and back pain then a husband's inconsideration and impatience over something stupid...who couldn't think of death then? physical pain combined with emotional pain are ingredients to think of such.

Unlike you, I am looking forward to the day I will die.. not too soon? but when it happen, I wouldn't mind... people really only celebrate you on what you have not on who you are. 

I look forward to being alive as well but death is just something that I couldn't seem to brush off... to me it's like a gift that one day I'll open.

I just hope that when that day comes, people won't regret or say overly sentimental words of condolences and admiration. I would rather have them keep it to themselves than say it, because I won't be able to know and hear it anyway--- I'm dead! 😊😊

I hope when that day comes, people won't cry. I hope they will celebrate  because finally, I'm home. 

I hope that when that day comes, others will benefit. I purposefully signed up as an organ donor because I don't want any of my organ to go to waste-- someone else wanted to live and make the most out of their lives, so go ahead and butcher me.. it's morbid but hey, I want you to live. 

To the one who will have my heart, please..above all else, guard it.. I did not use it well when I was living so maybe when you have it, you can take good care of it and handle it with much care and love. It got broken many times so when you use it, it might not be as perfect but enough for you to keep breathing. And when you are lonely, just feel every beat of it.. remember you are not alone and remember I am with you in your pain.. I'm not trying to scare you, all I'm saying is, everything will be alright.

To the one who will have my eyes, I may not have seen the whole world with my eyes but I have seen the most beatiful people and Gods creation as well. When you use it, allow me to share with you the beauty of Gods design and remember, what is essential can never be seen in our naked eyes.. so even though you can see many things now, don't forget those line.

To the one who get my kidney, now you have another chance to live, if you're not living a healthy life, please choose to do so this time. If you aren't blessed of a healthy one, well mine I guess might not as perfect but at least it's the perfect match for you. Take good care of it, and I don't like sodas by the way so maybe don't drink as much of it too. :) 

I don't know what else to donate when I die...so whatever is left, please cremate the rest of my body and don't just  scatter it.. use it as a fertilizer and plant a tree!!! so when it grows, at least the tree will symbolize life and the life I want to live somehow.

Like a tree, I am now free. Free to experience the wind, and the cycle of nature. I may not be able to talk but I can provide shelter to those who are in need of shelter, I can provide food if ever I'm a fruit tree or when you need of a place to write your diary, you can share me your story without the ability to spread it.