Roller Coaster Ride is an understatement to what I'm feeling right now. It's a combination of stomach ache and headache with chest pain and allergies. Well if you can handle it, I am trying to.
A rainbow of emotions should I say but it's not as colorful as I want it to be. It's vivid but it's dark, it's clear but it's blurry. Every person has their own weaknesses and every weaknesses has it's own point of outburst. For some reason I don't really feel like sharing it but when I can usually write something nice when I'm unstable in my thoughts. So let me dig in to my whirlwind thoughts that is slowly killing me if I will not let it out.
Imagine yourself in a very quiet place surrounded with flowers and butterflies with beautiful birds singing around you and trees all around you. It's beyond happiness isn't it? But in the midst of your humming and your creative imagination, an explosion happened. What are you going to do? Run? Stay? Hide? or just calmly walk away? In situations like that, we don't really know exactly what else to do when we are experiencing it--- but if we think of it deeply, then it's a completely different perspective. We can't always plan how we really react or how we respond to the situation-and human as we are, we are created with cells, atoms and electrons that send signals to our system which push us to respond on things be it negatively or positively.
In a situation, as much as we want it to be handled perfectly-- we never really know how to and what to respond when we are bombarded with sudden thoughts and explosive assumptive messages. We try to control ourselves to not overly react to it, but we don't really have the chance to process our thoughts. There will be times in our lives that we will respond to certain circumstance dramatically. Needless for us to say the right words, we tend to forget the value of self control in our lives. We allow ourselves to be defeated with thoughts that's never really meant to be there, or assumptions that's never really meant to be said or judgment that never really meant to be uttered. It's like "oops, I'm sorry I said that" I didn't really think about it or intend that--- but it's too late for us to say. That's only when our mind now is moving and doing it's job to suppress the emotions and wake wisdom and discernment up. And as much as we want to take it back, it can't be undone.
Then in the middle of your imaginative mind, after the explosion--- you figured you ran in the wrong direction and you are headed for destruction but you didn't want to go back because you think you can make it out. It's like PRIDE, we thought our pride can help us but it actually help us destroy ourselves. We might be running but are running in circles, no direction, no guide and definitely only led by Prideful spirit. I realized that our Pride can't help us in any way, nor our "running away" will too--- it will only make the matter worst and will make it more complicated.
Looking back, our imagination can bring us to something really amazing but it can also bring us to something complicated. We rationalize our situations sometimes that we forget that the only problem really was US, we just didn't want to admit it for ourselves. We sometimes assume that the situation can be easily understood but for others, it's as complicated as they see us to be. So better yet, before we jump into a conclusion or respond to an explosion---- be calm but stay alert. It'll probably help us be better individuals in our next volcanic eruptions.
Kidding aside, I'm happy to be called insecure, jealous and that I should act like I am a real "child of God".... because it made me realized how BIG my God is and How awesome of a creation I am. Someone died for me 2000 years ago and that's more than enough for me to present myself as "weak but strong because of HIM"--- Lost but found, Sinned but redeemed, In darkness but now living in the light, insecure but now secured and jealous but now assured. People can call me names and judge me but my old self is long gone and dead. They can never pull me down and take me away from the Love of our Lord. I am very aware that I am weak in some areas and I know God is working in me through this situations--- Thus, I will pursue more of Him rather than pursue of my thoughts and nonsense point---- it'll surely make me better and transform me to become more sensitive to others as well.
When thoughts becomes explosions, It's loud and it can destroy the person, the situation or the relationship. For now, let me enjoy the revelation of understanding---- and let me not mourn over what is not worth it.
Create in me a clean heart o God and renew the right spirit within me.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
From A Daughter's Love
Mother. A word that can mean a lot in a persons life. For some it may mean sacrifice, for others it may mean food, or maybe it means nagging but for me, it means everything!
Having her means everything.
She sometimes nag, hit, and disciplines but she cares even without the need for us to say.
She loves-- even without the need for her to feel.
She provides--- even without the reciprocation.
She smiles even though she's hurting.
She compromise just to see us smiling.
She may have a lack in other things, but she completes us in all things.
She takes care of us when sickness arises.
She feeds us great food despite the difficulty of being able to feed all.
She laughs at her weaknesses and think of us more than herself.
She cries in secret.
She shows herself strong despite the pain inside of her.
A superwoman. A hero. A best friend. A wife.
I miss all of her---- how she smiles, how she handled herself, how she took care of us, how she brought light to us, how she provided us with strength in our weak days, how she danced in front of us, how she calls us, how she stare at us when we did something wrong, how she just walk away when she's angry, how she laughs at our stupid jokes---
When we first knew that she had cancer---- We didn't know exactly what to do. We questioned God, we questioned our faith--we got mad! But we can only do but question and ferociously react to the situation. We don't know what His plans was----- so we didn't have a choice but to surrender despite it being unfair and painful.
And now, looking back--- I can't help but regret the missing days I wasn't able to spend to my superwoman. I wish God gave me more than two weeks----- but that was God's way and it's not for us to question Him but to accept and embrace the situation with Faith.
To be honest, I was so hurt why does it have to be my family? Why does it have to be us? why does it have to be my mom? why cancer? why lung cancer?
Like the other families who experienced the same, we can't help but question life's uncertainties. However, if we compare ourselves to someone who never had the opportunity to say their "I love you's" to their mom because of a car accident, heart attack or any other incident that don't allow them to share their love--- we are so much better.
I am still blessed I had my greatest two weeks with her. I am blessed I was able to take care of her. To tell her I love her so much. To spend time with her and to show her that we will never give up fighting and believing for a miracle. Up to her last breath, she knows that we believed for a miracle, we believed that if God will let us borrow her, God will.
My mother's cancer made us closer to each other. We became closer as a family. We talk, we share, we appreciate each other. We became each others strength and we tap each others back for support. Unfair as it may sound, cancer was the bridge for us as a family---- It's wrong and it's never right to say thank you to this deadly disease, but we learned something from it. We learned that family is our greatest possession. I just wish cancer wasn't the way for that----
So, I'm writing for those of you who still has a mother, a father, a brother and a sister. It's time for all of you to share your love--- to express it, even if it's awkward. To say "i love you" even if you're not used to it. It's not yet too late to become close to each other. One of you should step up and find a way to celebrate life together. Play board games together, hang out together, eat out, do picnic, or maybe watch a movie. This is the only gift I can give to all of you---- I loss my mother at the age of 26 and it's never easy--- life is always incomplete and there's always that missing piece in your heart that only her can complete.
I thought 26 years is enough to say I've done my mom great things, but now she's gone, I'm not even close to 1% of what she did.
TO ALL OF YOU WHO STILL HAS A MOM, INVITE YOUR MOM TO DINNER, ASK HER OUT, SURPRISE HER, BUY HER THE BIGGEST BOUQUET OF FLOWERS, KISS HER IN THE LIPS EVERYDAY, CUDDLE HER, TELL HER YOUR SECRETS, MAKE HER YOUR BEST FRIEND, HUG HER OFTEN, SHOP WITH HER, SHOP FOR HER, DO GROCERIES FOR HER, COOK WITH HER, COOK FOR HER, MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A QUEEN... because she made you feel like a princess/prince.
I only did the ordinary for her, I didn't go an extra mile to show her "she is special and I am proud I have her..." and the last small thing I did, was to serve her in her death bed.
They said, you'll realize someone's value when they're gone.. I learned mine the hard way. And the only way for me to make it up, if you will let your mom feel and do what I haven't.
Let me end this with a hopeful heart that this can inspire others to appreciate every moment they have with their family. We will never be perfect, no families are--- but we have one common denominator--- that's LOVE! Share it, spread it, show it!
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