Waking up carrying with me a different perspective of life while humming a beautiful love song. "lalala---the closer i get to touching you, the closer i get to loving you"
Smiling and Inspired. I can't get off the thoughts of having such a bliss early in the morning. I just want the world to stop-- I want my world to stop and stop with your world. I want to just forget everything and remember only you and our time together. I want to just pause and stare at you for a very long long time.
Sometimes I ask God, why do I have to bumped to people who would always makes me feel so much but then at the end, it's still not them who could complete the journey. I dreamed of nothing but a simple and ordinary life overflowing with love and happiness. I dreamed of someone who can laugh with me and just hang around not because they are oblige to do it but because they just want to do it. I dreamed not a life with money, prestige and honor but a life with humility, integrity and wisdom. In my journey, I realized it's not people who can make you happy---- it's your choice of circumstance. It's your decision to have fun and decision to be released from an entanglement on all sorts of pressures in this world.
I told God, if I am not for this--- please help me find a way to change my route. I deserve something greater than this kind of attention. I liked it. I am happy with it. It's not as happy as I thought it would be. It's scary. It's frustrating and sometimes its' annoying in a good way--- oh not really, it's like thinking right but heading left. It's like saying, I like you--- but I can't---- it's like saying, I love you--- but I wont... :)
I always thought, love is a risk, life is a continues challenge and happiness is a choice. But when you are caught in a circumstance when all you can do is to just think over and over, if this is wrong--- and this isn't going anywhere, then why am I still here.
Is it better to just say goodbye and leave----or stay and continue to scare myself of the consequence of this unknown hesitation. If I will leave, i will think as if no journey had happened. It's like being real and scream on top of my lungs "I need a long pause"----I am too tired to be always an option. If you want me, but put standards base on your own qualifications of life and love, then you don't deserve me, I don't deserve you and we don't deserve each other. Why play hide and seek when we can just face each other? Why need to run when no one is even coming to chase us.. Sometimes, facing our own shadows is the only way to find answers to our deep long pauses..
I can't be happy now then cry later.
I can only be happy now---- and forever----- a choice I made for myself.
"Give it time just a little more time, we'll be together as the song goes---- "
but time is running fast----- and what does a little more time mean? does it mean waiting for the right time, or just waiting in vain for the "perfect time"--
BUT there's no such thing as perfect time. :)
If I can measure time in a manner where I have to wait, I might die waiting for it. Because if I want something so bad--- dying isn't even a question for sacrifice. I am scared too, I am too scared--- but this time, I won't stop myself from expressing what I feel. It may hurt me in the end, but at least just for once, I'm being honest to myself and to the world.
I heard someone at the train station last Friday while she was talking to her friend on the phone, I am not really intentionally listening but her voice is just too loud--- she said, "the only way to learn to do something, is by doing it"... It's like, why say you can't do it, when you didn't even try anything yet? Why say it will fail when you haven't even started the challenge--- why say the water is hot when you did not even feel it. By knowing a thing, we have to do something--- and by trying, we'll have our questions answered--
Yes, I have questions--- a lot of it--- but even before asking my questions, I already got the answers...by confirming it through your actions. The manifestations of hesitation are strong and might even crushed me into pieces in the latter if I keep on figuring things out---- I want to try and reach out... I want to open up and just ask, where are we going? but the words aren't enough to ask such question... it needs strength.. and lots of it!
I am scared of risk too--- I want to risk but when it comes to matters of the heart, I felt that I have to over protect it myself. So even without the person saying goodbye yet or no plans of leaving, I consider it as a temporary time, a borrowed moment--- and that eventually, the person will still leave you unrequited... it's like everyday is goodbye--
So for now, since I don't have the strength yet, let me just help you with your...
LONG HESITANT PAUSE...
LET ME PAUSE WITH YOU!
