It's been awhile since I shared my journey with my faith. I ain't stagnant, I am just slowly learning the lessons and enjoying the journey as well be it be good or bad. Speaking of danger, I've dangerously involved myself to a not so good relationship--- I allowed myself to play with the emotions of God. I allowed myself to just toy with my feelings and just followed whatever is pleasurable in my eyes, heart, body and soul----despite the assurance of pain. I knew it was a wrong---but--a decision to disobey God was an experience I had to went through to separate all the bad fruits of my life.
When I allowed temptation to control me, I already knew something BIG was coming. I already knew that pain was about to steal my joy--- but I knew, that as long as I rest in God's arm, I will be fine. It was such a selfish action. Just because I knew God loves me so much, I felt--- giving a way to disobedience was fine. I felt that It was okay to compromise when I knew God will forgive me----- However, in the process of feeling lax, and in the journey of finding pleasure in sin, I still felt God's LOVE.. a love that was unconditional. A love which supplied all---- A love that I was beyond measure.
I knew I was in the midst of trouble, so I backed off----- I tried a couple of times to break the ties and just walk away--- I tried to just stop everything--- but my emotions was too fickle---- A feeling which continuously confused me. A feeling which I had to embrace as a consequence to my disobedience.
When I decided to follow Jesus, I thought it would be easy. I thought I would be the perfect Christian who would obey and be radical as I could be. I thought that I'll be spotless and without stain--- but all of my speculation wasn't right. It was a mistake of thinking I can---- when I cannot. I can't do it without HIM. I can't continue this journey without my faith and I can't endure it without continuous pushing and dedication----- partnered with LOVE, commitment and LONG SUFFERING.
The moment I begged God to just purify me. It means I allowed God to clean my entire system--- He wants to completely deliver me from my bondage of my past. And in what way, I don't know-- it was a surrender of faith. A surrender of Trust. A surrender of life.
Now, it was a relief. I knew----I've been released from a knot of death. A knot I've been holding on for years. A knot I thought no one could ever cut, but Jesus did. I allowed my mistake to be a building block of faith. I allowed it to mold me into a better instrument of God. I allowed it to just repaint me again. And when I said, enough---- I meant it. But God has always been the center of everything. And He will continue to mold me. Prune me and change me to become the person He wants me to be.
I was hurt--- I failed. I disobeyed God in the middle of my journey----But, my faith, supplied me the strength to keep it up---- to enjoy the journey and to learn my lesson and learn it over and over again.
One thing i learned. NEVER COMPROMISE.
When God says, OBEY. He meant it. And when we say we LOVE Him, we follow it----- The first few steps is really hard.. It took me years to master it. And now, I am ready for the next challenge of my faith.
Jesus, Thank you for dying on that cross. I am glad I am pruned and I am glad I am hurt for specific purpose. To produce good fruit instead of bad fruit... to be a real instrument and not carnal one. To be single minded Christ like individual willing to die for the faith that I stand for. And to continuously explore the God's ways.
I will follow. So I will carry my cross with Jesus....
Now, I am protected---- The feeling of danger wasn't around anymore. It was God's promises and my faith gave me so much energy to dedicate my life to God. It was because His love was too much that I couldn't pay Him enough...
The only thing I could do is... OBEY. It's hard----but trying to fulfill it every single day. And will continue to do, till my last breath.
This walk isn't about perfection---- but it's about appreciating the journey despite the assurance of being hurt--- and use our imperfection as a way to learn our lesson and to learn it over and over and over again-
