A lovely day to spend some time for myself. I went to downtown Chicago alone for the very first time and the thought of me being alone in the big city was astonishing---- I am loving the challenge and the fun.
I was lost. I asked for directions. I enjoyed the bus rides even if I didn't know where I am heading. I felt the need to experienced it to check the uncertainty of things in this life. Speaking of uncertainty, that day marks a very important lesson in this world of uncertainty.
It was February 17, 2012 when I finally realized that I am still vulnerable and I haven't yet fulfilled what God wanted me to accomplish. I failed in His test.. I prayed that if only I will be given the chance to prove to Him that I can handle relationship, that I am ready to fall without disobeying Him, that I am not gonna fall short with my faith, that I am sure I wont let the lust of the flesh cover me------ BUT, I was wrong. God allowed me to experience what I asked of Him--- but the thing is, I wasn't able to endure the test of temptation... instead, I submitted to the things that I know I could have not done. To be honest, I wasn't regretful to what happened--- I am even glad it happened because it opened my eyes to understanding that uncertainties in life will always be part of my journey.
While I am in the verge of defeat, God has always been in me---- He was in my heart the whole time but my flesh is just so strong that I couldn't control myself and just stop. It happened for a reason and now that I know I am still vulnerable to failing Him with this, I am ready to take a few step forward and just keep my eyes focus on Him. I may have fall short in my faith, but I will progress--- I wont stop from learning and make my mistakes a ground for growth.
It happened and it wasn't just a mistake but a lesson that I should bring with me for the rest of my Christian Journey. I have the holy spirit in me but I am still not that strong. I still need to really press in with my faith and just keep on going. I may have failed in the test but I learned to get back up and strive even more. This is just to remind me that I am not yet there, not even close to it. And the things is, God will never give me temptations I can't bear. He just want me to climb up and endure the pain. At the end of the day, the journey will be worth it.
It has been 2 years that I haven't had anyone to cuddle with, to hug with, to kiss with--and now that you're here---my life will still be the same. I am not changing my route~ I am not changing my direction. I would still go to what God wants for me. You are just part of it and having you, just made my walk with the Lord even more joyful yet challenging. If having you means disobeying my God, I'd rather not have you despite the happiness in me of having you---- I would still choose my God than you---- because my life here on earth is temporary.
If I had live my life without you for 25 years, I can also do it now.... but I will never live my life without Jesus. You own an important part of my life now, but God owns all of me--- I would rather lose a part than lose my all---- ^____^
I'm glad you came into my life. You are just so uncertain and the uncertainty in you made me even stronger in my walk with the Lord. I am now ready for my next circumstance.
If only I can keep you---- then I will--- but keeping you means Obeying my God not disobeying Him. If you can't handle it, then the door is wide open.. YOU CAN LEAVE... :)
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