Things To Remember After a Heartbreak

Did you ever get your heart broken? It’s so painful that you can’t stop crying day and night. Your friends kept telling you to move on, but there seemed to be no way for you to do it. Even though you know you have the courage to do so.

You miss the person so much that you can’t help but cry while eating, while you walk pass by a place where both of you had beautiful memories together, while stalking his or her facebook and instagram account, while you’re listening to your professor, while listening to music——-

You tried to let go and move forward but you always caught yourself stuck again in the same predicament and ended up calling and texting the person, “I miss you—” “Can we make it work?” “What do I have to do for you to stay?” sometimes, you call and you don’t want to even talk, you just want to listen to the voice from the other line…and you think, “I love you, please come back…” but you couldn’t seem to utter those words.

After a month of enjoying school, work and friends night outs, here you are alone in your bedroom again stalking the persons social media accounts— asking the same question over and over and over again—- “What went wrong?”

What’s wrong with me? What have I done? What could have I done? Why me?

You are not alone! I’ve been there, done that and it’s okay. Albeit you don’t want to be in such a situation, just don’t ever forget THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Like the rest of us, we will all go through a process in life and no matter how hurt we are, we have to make a decision for ourselves. So what should you do now?  What’s next?

HERE ARE TEN THINGS TO REMEMBER AFTER A HEARTBREAK.

1. IT WILL BE PAINFUL SO CRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.  Yes, I cried rivers years ago because I got my heart broken and for some reason, I couldn’t stop crying– my sister told me I’m too stupid and to just let it go but her words and pieces of advice at that time wasn’t really helping me— 

Every time she tells me, it will work out good and it’s not my loss, all the more for me to sob! Guess what, IT HELPED!  So just let it all out! Scream if you want, let your friends laugh at you if they want, just cry and cry and cry until you get tired of it— 

This might sound weird but while crying, just think of all the good things you both did together! Of course you will cry all the more but listen, it’s better than asking yourself why the person left you—- ooopps, sorry for reminding you but seriously, I’ll say it again…

2. THINK OF ALL THE HAPPY MEMORIES while you are crying and how you started dating, all the crazy things you did together–I know it doesn’t make any sense but this will divert your attention to the good and not the bad. After all, you LOVED the person anyway.

Allow your heart to embrace all the good things and let go of the bad— by doing this, you are giving yourself big favor! You might be crying about it now, but you’ll realize great things later.

3. YOUR PAIN IS TEMPORARY. 

Don’t worry, you’re not going to be in pain for a long time. For now, just embrace it but don’t allow yourself be tortured by your negative thoughts. 

You can have all the questions now that you don’t have any answers for but one day, you when are finally over this, you’ll find yourself not needing the answers. It will just naturally happen.

4. DO NOT BELIEVE ANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS 

So you can protect your  innocent mind. Remember, just because you are heartbroken, it doesn’t automatically mean you are a terrible person and you are not lovable!!!! LIES! 

If you allow yourself to be defeated by those thoughts, you will just add fuel to your burning heart. So why don’t you burn those negative thoughts instead. It won’t be easy but you’ll get there if you acknowledge the good and not the bad.

5. AVOID LISTENING TO REBELLIOUS OR SAD MUSIC. 

You know you are already in pain, why torture yourself with a sad and rebellious music when you can listen to great positive and encouraging ones? 

When my friend was heartbroken, I told her to listen to “You are more by Tenth Avenue North”—The song goes like this, you are more than the choices that you’ve made, you are more than the sum of your past mistake, you are more than the problems you create, you’ve been remade”—- So my friend, if you are heartbroken now just think about being remade! Again, it doesn’t make any sense now but later on, it will!

6. FORGIVE. I know! I know! It’s not easy— Well, I’m giving you a choice now. It’s really totally up to you. 

Forgiveness is not easy but you are doing this for yourself anyway—-  See, when we forgive we are actually encouraging ourselves and reminding ourselves that it’s not their fault or our fault. It’s human nature, we change constantly and if that change means falling out of love guess what? Forgive! 

This is why before I got married, I have to understand what love really is—- I thought for a long time it’s only about how I feel towards the other person but it’s not! Love is more than feeling— It’s a decision you have to make over and over and over again. Let’s talk more about this later.  

Going back to forgiveness, after my ultimate heartache, I actually sent the guy a letter of forgiveness– I told him it’s nobody’s fault— that even though he left my heart shattered to pieces, he once completed it too and once made my heart flutter. I told him,that it’s okay if I wasn’t the person that he really wanted. 

Of course part of it, I asked him questions too— “did you love me?” “Was I important?– Well, he didn’t really gave me answers but I felt peaceful after sending him it. I’m not going to deny, I called him names too before I sent him my forgiveness letter but guess what— THAT’S WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TOO IF YOU WILL ALLOW NEGATIVE THOUGHTS rather than good thoughts. So forgive even when it’s hardest to do.

Lastly, 7. TALK AND SURROUND YOURSELVES WITH GREAT FRIENDS AND FAMILY.  

Never hesitate to talk about it to your parents, siblings or friends. If you are a girl, you’ll find this very easy to do but for guys, not a lot of  you will this. I will never forget one of my brothers first heartache, he was extremely upset almost to tears and told me, she broke up with her 5 year long relationship”.. Jokingly, I said— it’s okay! You’ll find someone better than her! Then gave him a side hug… I don’t know if it helped him that time and it might sound “corny” but I felt my brother needed it and I felt I had to just blurt it out.. 

I actually felt that was what all he wanted to hear—- someone telling him, you know what, you’ll be fine! So if you are guy, don’t be ashamed to talk about it… THAT’S NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU WEAK! In fact, you are courageous enough to admit it. Remember, “no man is an island” so don’t worry about what they think of you, most importantly you know who you are and if they are really your friends, they will understand your pain. If you want to talk about it under the influence of alcohol, its up to you but here’s my two cents, alcohol is just an excuse for us to be honest with what we feel. I did it too many times and that was me being a coward. Coward to face my trouble and pain and I was in so much denial.. Again, heartbreak is painful but never let your bad emotions to control you… never allow it to win!

In the end, it’s really our choice to either embrace heartache as an opportunity to mature and build ourselves up or allow it to destroy us and create a monster in us.

You have a choice. I have done my part.

Little things are GREAT

Waking up to a clean kitchen made me extremely happy. It caught my attention since husband did it. Come on! If I can write when I am overly sentimental, I can also write when I am in so much bliss. 

Little things are GREAT. I admit I am this easy to please. It's probably because it's my first Love Language, ACT OF SERVICE--- from the Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman. You would think it's just an excuse so I will have a reason to feel good, but no! When my husband does little acts not to necessarily please me but just to help out, my joy is beyond compare. 

He doesn't know that it affects my day big time-- my food tastes better, I am generous with my smile and everything seems to peaceful and harmonious. Who eats ramen noodle with home made mocha cappucino with a smile?

All I'm saying is, those act of kindness might be small to others but to me it's as wide as the Universe---- Little things are GREAT! 

Clumsiness to Inconvenience

My clumsiness sometimes results to inconvenience. With that said, I know I have to work on my clumsiness so I don't have to inconvenience others over it. However, there are also people who just seem to not have a room for "consideration". 

I have a gigantic room for chances and consideration for others that I almost expect others to do the same with me. Unfortunately, that's not always the case. 

With people who doesn't have any room for consideration, I have to forcefully impede my own expectation, my own desire to want to be considered. I have to suppress my feelings and I have to constantly understand and try to give that little chance in my heart. 

Only because I am not like them, I think I have the right to find myself justice for being treated like trash for a simple "mistake" when it can be considered immensely. I cry and cry and cry... all i can do is cry... because I don't have a way to explain myself, to express what I truly feel. I can't say, "hey, cut me some slack and be more considerate" because the other person has already gone mad and exploded because of my clumsiness.

Imagine yourself doing such, and others over reacting to it in a very demonic way---how do you think would you respond? Human as I am, because I don't see such a big deal to my actions but the other person made a huge deal about it.. I feel like I had to also respond in a demonic way! 

I am no perfect individual--- no matter how hard I try to always understand, to give people chances, to consider them.. but how do you do that to people who doesn't even give you a tiny bit of "consideration" when things aren't pretty. 

I labeled myself a rebel for all the years.
I've lived. I labeled myself a hero, because I am always the first one to seek justice.

Now, I labeled myself a clumsy one who is unworthy of any "consideration"...

I have labeled myself defenseless...because I don't have the right to express.

I have never cried as much in my entire life..

I have never burdened others with my weakness.. 

I have never felt so little in my life....
I have never felt so disgusted of myself...
I have never felt "empty"...

Now, I have burdened people because I've felt I couldn't win a war I'm not even equipped on fighting. 

I have felt so little and disgusted of myself because of that little amount of consideration and patience that I couldn't seem to get...

I have felt I am useless, unworthy and unimportant...

I've lost a battle that hasn't even started.......

I've remained because God remained. But, should I remain when all else fails and I'm the only one standing---- lost and defeated but still trying? 

When one seemed to be always trying to understand the other, but failed to understand oneself or worse failed to acknowledge oneself. 

It ain't too late to equip myself with armory of defense but I don't have enough Support to train me with much preparedness.

I don't have a battalion, I only have me.

My omniscient, omnipresent God has forgotten. me..

That's when I allow myself to be controlled with my emotions. I immediately feel alone but in reality, we are never alone. 

I might feel that I wasn't being considered when my clumsiness was magnified but I also forgot that maybe, others felt I was being inconsiderate for being clumsy. It's easy to accuse others when we are in our sentimental state because we want to always be right at that moment. However, it's also true that when we are caught with our emotions, it's better for us to calm down first and think of the matter rationally than emotionally.

Thankful for my mother in law and my father in law who never fail to remind me of bible verses and words of encouragement. Thankful for Gods laborers who are constantly working on our lives and in our lives. 

My clumsiness brought inconvenience to others but those little things helped me understand how important it is to value how others feel rather than how I feel--- After all, life is not just about how I feel. 

After Life

I know. It's morbid and no one wants to even talk about it.

I'm at work now and although I did not want to be here today, I had to. 

I looked at myself in the mirror and  thoughts of death dawned on me. it's not because I wanna die but because I have been tolerating an excruciating head ache plus neck and back pain then a husband's inconsideration and impatience over something stupid...who couldn't think of death then? physical pain combined with emotional pain are ingredients to think of such.

Unlike you, I am looking forward to the day I will die.. not too soon? but when it happen, I wouldn't mind... people really only celebrate you on what you have not on who you are. 

I look forward to being alive as well but death is just something that I couldn't seem to brush off... to me it's like a gift that one day I'll open.

I just hope that when that day comes, people won't regret or say overly sentimental words of condolences and admiration. I would rather have them keep it to themselves than say it, because I won't be able to know and hear it anyway--- I'm dead! 😊😊

I hope when that day comes, people won't cry. I hope they will celebrate  because finally, I'm home. 

I hope that when that day comes, others will benefit. I purposefully signed up as an organ donor because I don't want any of my organ to go to waste-- someone else wanted to live and make the most out of their lives, so go ahead and butcher me.. it's morbid but hey, I want you to live. 

To the one who will have my heart, please..above all else, guard it.. I did not use it well when I was living so maybe when you have it, you can take good care of it and handle it with much care and love. It got broken many times so when you use it, it might not be as perfect but enough for you to keep breathing. And when you are lonely, just feel every beat of it.. remember you are not alone and remember I am with you in your pain.. I'm not trying to scare you, all I'm saying is, everything will be alright.

To the one who will have my eyes, I may not have seen the whole world with my eyes but I have seen the most beatiful people and Gods creation as well. When you use it, allow me to share with you the beauty of Gods design and remember, what is essential can never be seen in our naked eyes.. so even though you can see many things now, don't forget those line.

To the one who get my kidney, now you have another chance to live, if you're not living a healthy life, please choose to do so this time. If you aren't blessed of a healthy one, well mine I guess might not as perfect but at least it's the perfect match for you. Take good care of it, and I don't like sodas by the way so maybe don't drink as much of it too. :) 

I don't know what else to donate when I die...so whatever is left, please cremate the rest of my body and don't just  scatter it.. use it as a fertilizer and plant a tree!!! so when it grows, at least the tree will symbolize life and the life I want to live somehow.

Like a tree, I am now free. Free to experience the wind, and the cycle of nature. I may not be able to talk but I can provide shelter to those who are in need of shelter, I can provide food if ever I'm a fruit tree or when you need of a place to write your diary, you can share me your story without the ability to spread it. 

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Comfort in Simplicity

Chicago weather is bipolar as usual. We want to always assume "nice weather" is 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That kind of weather! Why not? It is nice because we feel comfortable. We don't have to shovel the snow, we don't have to wear our thick, heavy coats and the list goes on. 

It's the same with life. We always assume that life should always be nice and we create a box full of good expectations to our life but like the weather, it will always be unpredictable. 

We wake up every morning with a routine built in us. It's like embedded to our system that this is how our body should work and this is what we should do. A change thereof over the weekend or a day off means liberty. We almost want to say thank you when we get sick because we have time for ourselves all day. And after a fast recovery, we rant and say, I don't want to do this anymore... We got stuck to the same old routine and prison. Then why are we still doing it anyway? Is it because we need to survive day by day? So, it all boils down to money.

What's with money that we have to chase for it all our lives. Has it become that powerful or has it always been powerful? You need to do something but you can't because you don't have any money. You have to go somewhere but you can't because you don't have any money. You want to be liberated but you can't because you need money while others want to be liberated because they have a lot of money.

Let us go back to the question, Why are we still doing what we are doing now?Why are we working? Is it really because we need to survive? If it's about survival, we can survive living a simple life away from hustle and bustle. However, the rich countries doesn't seem to have that kind of freedom. That's probably why the happiest people on earth can be found in poor countries. 

We can never find true happiness in comfort. 

It's not the money that will liberate us but our simple choices in life that will. 

Sour Excitement

It wasn't long ago when we realized we were pregnant. Three months ago, November 19, 2015 my pregnancy test came out positive not just once but three times. 

Despite it being unplanned, I was still very excited. Finally, I am mom. I was scared because I thought I can't be ready for this...Of course I was undeniably so surprised but I was also very happy. I couldn't wait to tell my husband the news but I want it to be special. 

I prepared notes and print outs that says, "You were Timothy, Bear, Babe when you left this afternoon, How's Papa sound to you or Papie? Daddy should be good right? Don't panic we are pregnant"... then I posted it on the wall, one statement every corner. Then he called, Babe lets go out to eat, he asked.

I felt like he knew something was up, so I tried my hardest to pretend as if it was just a regular date night. Im going to be Keeping my secret for the next few hours. Whew! (He almost caught me though.) 

I succeeded. 

When we got home, he usually drops me off and I get inside the apartment first. Perfect! So I had the opportune time to get ready, set up my DSLR camera and took my phone for the video. I have to see his reaction! Took him forever to come in, so I texted and called him. Where are you babe? Oh, I'm sorry, I was listening to my music. I'm coming in. 

That was the longest 10 minutes of my life. It was because I was too excited to drop the bomb. 

He got in, saw what I prepared. He was in total shock and disbelief. "What's going on?" he said.. He kept on reading... and the rest was history. It was all recorded on video. 

Weeks had passed. I was ready to be a mom, he was ready to be a dad. We had great conversations at night, we thought of names and argue about it. He doesn't like what I like and I don't like what he likes. 

But one thing we did agree, WE loved the name Angel. Angelo, Angeline, Angela,. Anything with Angel.  

I was 9 weeks, I didn't want to share it to the family yet but he was and he reminded me to not live in fear. I submitted because He was right. It was Christmas Night, when we decided to share it to the family. Everyone was excited like us. Congratulating us left and right. I felt so happy. I can now imagine myself as a mom. I can imagine him as a dad. I accepted it. I was ready for it and he was too. We even talked about the space of the apartment if it was enough, or how our bedroom will look like with our little one coming--- conversation after conversation after conversation. 

It was almost the day of my appointment, I was anxious but at the same time very excited to hear the heartbeat, how my angel look like,. I wanted it so bad that I even researched for places where they offer baby ultrasound and you can also hear your baby's heartbeat at 10 weeks. 

Then unexpected turn of events.

Our company's insurance changed, so I don't have my ID number and I have to cancel my appointment and wait for another week. Of course, I was hopeful. 

I was rescheduled Thursday, January 14, 2016. 

Unfortunately, Monday, January 11, 2016 at 7 pm, I had an unusual pinkish secretion so I texted my husband about it and he told me not to worry about it. When I got home, I ate and I went to the bathroom to pee, then I started bleeding. I cried, I cried louder. I couldn't help but be scared for my little one. I don't want it to leave me. 

Tim calmed me down and told me to rest. I laid down but after awhile, I had an excruciating abdominal pain. I thought, I might be losing it but I still prayed despite the pain and I prayed harder and asked God to not allow it. I was desperate. 

I couldn't sleep so I went to the front room and watched tv but the pain was too excruciating, I couldn't even concentrate. Then, a Sudden explosion. Blood and water gushing down my legs, I ran towards the bathroom and yelled at my husband. 

Babe, I'm bleeding, Help! 

From then on, it was non stop. At 2 am, I had contractions. And every bad contractions, I get big chunks of blood and clots. I was in pain--- I couldn't sleep, so I embraced the pain. I was crying but I was praying at the same time. I didn't want to accept my fate but I can't seem to control what's happening. 

Tired, I surrendered to God. 

I can't believe I'm going through this horrible nightmare. I miscarried. My baby left me. I felt numb that morning. I was exhausted. I felt like I wanted to cry but I loss all my energy. 

I had my ultrasound done, my uterus was empty. Although my urine test was saying "I'm pregnant" it's only because of my HcG levels. I hoped it wasn't the case. I hoped I was still pregnant. 

I was directed to go to the OB/GYNE they checked me and they confirmed I had a miscarriage. I couldn't possibly imagine what I've done wrong. I don't know if I should just accept it immediately or I should grieve.

I chose to accept it. I felt horrible. I was afraid and I didn't know how to explain it to my family. I was saddened. 

At first I was too courageous. Full of God's peace-- then when it was finally sinking in that the baby I was talking to for the past 3 months, is gone. All our plans, our conversation, our imagination, our dreams--- gone. 

Can I still be considered a mom? Can he still be considered a dad? 

God probably thought I am too strong to handle this. 

But he's wrong. For now, let me grieve. I know God has His reasons but I can't deny the fact that my joy was stolen. 

Sometimes, the only way for me to feel good and relaxed is to think that my mom was probably bored in heaven and needed company. She chose her first grandchild. 

Now, I feel so alone. I feel so guilty. I didn't even have the opportunity to hear the heartbeat to see the fetus. I thought it was actually easier for me to move on since I didn't have that bond but now, I can't believe how hard it is.. 

I hope God will give me His strength to get through this. I am too weak. I'm just thankful for other people's testimony and for encouraging me. Their stories is what's helping me. 

Keeping my faith intact still, although I am not gonna lie that I am hurting and I have all the right to feel that way.