Scared of Marriage

After a long pause, tears welled off my cheeks. Overwhelming droplets of water was coming out of my eyes. I couldn't stop from crying. A video of domestic violence just punch my heart in agony. I am hurting. 

I can't imagine life like theirs--- felt that watching the video was an eye opener for me on the uncertainties of life. I can't grasp the intensity of pain that I felt that I want to just close my eyes and forget the realities of this unfair world. Why does it have to happen to kids and women? Why do they have to experience it? If they experience it, will it happen to me too? What is the probability that it's not? And if it is, what's going to happen to me? 

My long deep pause of unanswered questions was finally answered. I was scared of marriage because of the uncertainties of it. Obviously, I want to get hitched in the future but I am scared of it--- too scared that I don't even want to commit in a relationship now. I am drowning with fear and it's slowly killing my sanity and sucking up negativity. 

I never wanted a life of richness. I only wanted a life full of compassion, care, and understanding. I never wanted a handsome partner with six packs and beefed up muscles. I never wanted a bunch of flowers and a multitude of chocolates. I never wanted a sweet words of affection and chivalry but a sincere heart. I never wanted a house full of decorations but a home overflowing with smiles. My standard isn't even high enough to have, but why is it so hard to earn? Is it me? Is it them? Is it the circumstance? Or is it the reality that's slowly slapping me to wake up and accept that what I want is way too far too what is really in store for me----- yeah, what is really in store for me?

I remember I told a friend, I'd rather be hurt from the outside like physically damage than be emotionally broken. Now I felt like all that I said was just a front---  because I was too scared to admit, that I am not strong. That I am not just afraid of the physical abuse---- I am scared of making a decision to choose who to commit myself into. Too scared to say that, having such kind of life is like living in hell---- too scared to accept that it is reality. Too scared to just face it--- too scared of myself. 



I am scared of it. I am scared of marriage--- I am scared of my circumstance. 


As i wipe my tears, I am wishing deep inside----that all my burdens be gone and all my fears be taken away from me. As I wipe my tears, I am praying that the domestic violence will stop and that guys will realize that hitting will not only damage a person physically but will damage a person emotionally---you are not killing them in the outside, you're killing them in the inside.

Laying on my bed now, still thinking of the horrible video--- trying to listen to my heart beat as it whispers---- 

You are too affected with it because you can see Jesus in them-- you see Jesus' suffering. You see Jesus' blood in them--- and it hurts you too much. 

Just sleep, I know you're scared---- but life has always been unfair. 
Just face it with God's love carrying with you the assurance of victory.