Think of Death like Life

It's twenty two minutes past the hour of three and I am still awake. I am not that sleepy, so I now resort to writing my thoughts of solitude since I think this is one way of activating my melatonin level. I was suppose to put all my wishes for Christmas but I realized, it's too much to ask for and they're all temporary satisfaction, so let me maneuver my steering wheel and let's change the direction of my exploding thoughts.  I have always asked and question how reality works----but this one question I have cater the need for me to at least have an understanding on what's going on with the world outside. 

• Why is it when people knew someone is dying, they start changing in a very melodramatic way? 

Sometimes, I have this feeling that it's better if I will know my schedule of death----- maybe, I'll have a different story, a better one----. 

Hello Strangers

I was taught growing up not to talk to strangers. Maybe because strangers are strange people from the root word strange? Or maybe they are different creature in this world, an alien, a foreigner, a person not akin to mine or yours or mine? But, is it also true that before we became acquainted and ended up us friends or even lovers, we once didn't know each other? Is it in the stranger in us that connect us to be able to live in this world together? Diversity is the only thing we have in common----a quote from an anonymous writer which I read from the wall of building of L of my school. Indeed, in our differences we get to appreciate the gem in us, and through it we create bonds that we forever cherish and keep. It was a cold foggy morning of November 21, 2012, the day we left Moraine to join the International Thanksgiving Host Family Program hosted by the International House of Chicago. The International Thanksgiving Program was founded in 1956 by Trudy Trogdon of Paris, Illinois and has been implemented for over the last 56 years. This year, six of Moraine Valley students namely, Đỗ Kiều Thanh Diễm (Vietnam), Anh Nguyen (Vietnam), Phuc Tran (Vietnam), Linda Dembe (Republic of Congo), Akane Murao (Japan) and yours truly Hannah Quijano (Philippines) joined this prestigious program which happened last November 21-25, 2012 in the small towns of Illinois namely, Geneseo, Morrison, Paris, Prophetstown, Rockford, and Sterling-Rock Falls.

Homestay Programs wasn't really new to me since I have experienced it before in one of the Exchange Program I joined in Japan and Southeast Asian Countries. It was a journey that tatted in my heart and changed my life forever. So I decided to join this Program which is similar to it without a feeling of hesitation in my heart. I was carrying with me the excitement living with an American Family and the fervor to experience the culture beforehand. Indeed, it was a decision that I never regretted and gave me so much reason to even share it to others. I went to Morrison and I was assigned to the Lindstrom Family. When they saw me as soon as I got off the bus and enter the room for the matching, they immediately welcomed me with their wonderful smiles and introduce themselves with the feeling of excitement and gladness. My host Dad Rich, my host Mom Heather and my two host siblings Anna and Adam. It was a very brief introduction that didn't even last for five minutes. They then brought me to their house which is just 2 minutes away from the place where they picked me up. And there, I met Shasta, a beautiful and huge Great Dane who at first barked me on the top of his lungs but eventually get along with me as the minutes goes by.

I am amazed on how my lovely family opened their house to a stranger like me. That alone provided me with the feeling of acceptance and a different perspective of a Typical American Family. In my four days that I stayed in their house, I never felt I was different, rather I felt I was part of the family. Their family gave me so much understanding of the American Culture despite it's diversities. I enjoyed my Thanksgiving Holiday with them not only because of the Turkey and the food they served but because I met the family of my host mother, I met new friends and a new family. They all put a smile in my face when they didn't hesitate to just talk and asked me about my life, my culture and my country. A wonderful day that I didn't want to end.

It was just 4 days but I felt I've known them for 4 years and I don't mind spending time with them again because the experience is so overwhelming and unforgettable. Happiness is even an understatement to describe it. I was once a stranger, there were once unknown but now I've found a family in them whom I will forever keep and remember.  

Pursue God, not Me

I waited but he didn't came.

I planned but it didn't happen.

I looked up but all I can see was the horizon.

It was a clear picture of uncertainty---- tainted in the eyes of the innocent. For some, it's about faith--- for others it's motivation and persistence. With mine, it's Christ.

I have waited a long time, and I don't care if I'll wait for years if it meant waiting to see the "Promise Land".

Growing up, I haven't been pursued nor asked out. I blame it to my so called "political-achievements and fame." Maybe it was the reason-- or maybe it was because I am too much to handle for a woman. In my uniqueness, there's a hedge of protection and I always defend myself with a shield of doubt to every guy I met. It wasn't because I am scared, it was because no one really bothered to take off the shield from me. 

I sigh for the fact that only sexy and hot women are being pursued because they have the physical advantage. Only to find out that beauty is vanity--- and it's temporary.  In my teenage years, I've always thought that the prettier you are, the more famous you can be. Too much vanity indeed. However, it's reality. 

Now that I've gained more understanding on dating and relationship--- I look up with arms wide open, giving up my life to the God who save--- and the one who died for me. No man can ever prove my worthiness and pursue me despite my imperfections except Christ.   

I may not have someone to be with me in pursuing God's Kingdom, but for sure--- that someone have been very busy in building up the Church for God.  And to that someone, I will wait for you no matter how long it will take you to find me.

At I don't have to be pursued at all, better yet--- pursue God and everything else will follow..


"Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, all this things shall be added unto you"---


I shall see you soon! Say hi to all the people you're serving-- tell them I can't wait to meet them--- and tell them, Jesus loves them!

Strengthened by Faith

A strong wind blows heavily when I got off the car. It was whistling so hard and I felt that I needed to rush and get inside the house as soon as possible.  A sudden strange feeling of danger--- A feeling that I haven't felt for a long time.

It's been awhile since I shared my journey with my faith. I ain't stagnant, I am just slowly learning the lessons and enjoying the journey as well be it be good or bad. Speaking of danger, I've dangerously involved myself to a not so good relationship--- I allowed myself to play with the emotions of God. I allowed myself to just toy with my feelings and just followed whatever is pleasurable in my eyes, heart, body and soul----despite the assurance of pain. I knew it was a wrong---but--a decision to disobey God was an experience I had to went through to separate all the bad fruits of my life. 

When I allowed temptation to control me, I already knew something BIG was coming. I already knew that pain was about to steal my joy--- but I knew, that as long as I rest in God's arm, I will be fine. It was such a selfish action. Just because I knew God loves me so much, I felt--- giving a way to disobedience was fine. I felt that It was okay to compromise when I knew God will forgive me----- However, in the process of feeling lax, and in the journey of finding pleasure in sin, I still felt God's LOVE.. a love that was unconditional. A love which supplied all---- A love that I was beyond measure. 

I knew I was in the midst of trouble, so I backed off----- I tried a couple of times to break the ties and just walk away--- I tried to just stop everything--- but my emotions was too fickle---- A feeling which continuously confused me. A feeling which I had to embrace as a consequence to my disobedience.

When I decided to follow Jesus, I thought it would be easy. I thought I would be the perfect Christian who would obey and be radical as I could be. I thought that I'll be spotless and without stain--- but all of my speculation wasn't right. It was a mistake of thinking I can---- when I cannot. I can't do it without HIM. I can't continue this journey without my faith and I can't endure it without continuous pushing and dedication----- partnered with LOVE, commitment and LONG SUFFERING. 

The moment I begged God to just purify me. It means I allowed God to clean my entire system--- He wants to completely deliver me from my bondage of my past. And in what way, I don't know-- it was a surrender of faith. A surrender of Trust.  A surrender of life. 

Now, it was a relief. I knew----I've been released from a knot of death. A knot I've been holding on for years. A knot I thought no one could ever cut, but Jesus did. I allowed my mistake to be a building block of faith. I allowed it to mold me into a better instrument of God. I allowed it to just repaint me again. And when I said, enough---- I meant it. But God has always been the center of everything. And He will continue to mold me. Prune me and change me to become the person He wants me to be.

I was hurt--- I failed. I disobeyed God in the middle of my journey----But, my faith, supplied me the strength to keep it up---- to enjoy the journey and to learn my lesson and learn it over and over again.

One thing i learned. NEVER COMPROMISE.

When God says, OBEY. He meant it. And when we say we LOVE Him, we follow it----- The first few steps is really hard.. It took me years to master it. And now, I am ready for the next challenge of my faith.

Jesus, Thank you for dying on that cross. I am glad I am pruned and I am glad I am hurt for specific purpose. To produce good fruit instead of bad fruit... to be a real instrument and not carnal one. To be single minded Christ like individual willing to die for the faith that I stand for. And to continuously explore the God's ways. 

 I will follow. So I will carry my cross with Jesus.... 

Now, I am protected---- The feeling of danger wasn't around anymore. It was God's promises and my faith gave me so much energy to dedicate my life to God. It was because His love was too much that I couldn't pay Him enough...

The only thing I could do is... OBEY.  It's hard----but trying to fulfill it every single day. And will continue to do, till my last breath. 


This walk isn't about perfection---- but it's about appreciating the journey despite the assurance of being hurt--- and use our imperfection as a way to learn our lesson and to learn it over and over and over again-

AN INNOCENT POISION

It's exactly 12:48 am---- a sudden explosion from the inside of me. My heart couldn't stop from beating fast--- I am smiling but deep inside of me I am also confuse if I am happy of God's way of answering my prayers. I am shocked by abrupt changes surrounding me and sometimes I just want to close my eyes to the world. Breath in---- breath out~ inhale---exhale!! I'm shaking and it's not even cold---- The heater is on and I'm wearing a sweater~~~I don't know if I should be wondering why, but one thing for sure----- my heart is not feeling well and my body is not too. My heart is pounding so hard that it could almost crack open my chest. I guess---- I am hurt. OH, no not really--- I guess I am soooooo hurt!!! And I am glad I'm feeling it---- It's been awhile heartache!! I haven't felt you in a very very long time, and now I'm feeling you again, welcome back!

I know am loved by a very very awesome God and I am so much blessed despite the pain inside of me. That's what they said, Praise God despite sufferings, pains and heartaches. And that's what I am doing---and I will be doing it for the rest of my life. 

This is the first time after a very very long time of not being able to feel such abyss of pain. A hole inside of me was again planted--- a feeling that I did not want to feel again but it's here, waking me up after a long sleep. I thought sleeping beauty will be awake by a Prince Charming's kiss, but not anymore--- she could actually be awake by Prince Charming's fake innocent smile of affection. A phony sweet caress---- A false embrace of sweetness. A naive by appearance--- but it's deadly. 

I was clearly enjoying the look of innocence covering the real sweet scent of poison inside of him. A clear picture of darkness in the form of light. I am not stupid, he is not bad--- he is just too conscious of the people that he thought of just faking it for the sake of saving the Princess Life.  But the sad thing was, he killed the princess----- he woke her up from a long deep sleep, but he woke her up with pain around her---a new journey to trudge for the princess and it will be a very very long one.

She thought it was her Prince Charming's Kiss who saved her but it was just a kiss---- no more than that--- no feelings, no love--- no emotions. And the moment the princess realized it, it was too late for her and everyone in the palace to save her---- The poison was already inside of her... physically? you can see her----

She's not dead but her heart was closed---- 

no feelings, no emotions..

just life-- 


But---- a life, with God is a life worth living for~~ so, she might be living in confusion and pain as of the very moment---- but God said, though the sorrow may last for the night, JOY COMES IN THE MORNING! 

and yes, she's me--- and I'm holding on to God's promise, because He is my only King, greater than the prince...

and God will never leave me, nor forsake me..  ^_~

was I mad? no I am not--- I am hurt, and it's good to be hurt when you know it's right.  

When God said Love one another as I love you. He did not say, expect to be loved in return--- He just said, Love one another... :)

So, just because I'm hurt I will stop from loving others-- no I won't..

because love is not relative. It's free flowing-- it's a gift. 

Tug of Reality

When God created me, He created me for a purpose and knowing that, I won't let your words destroy my whole perspective of life and love.


Just because you said I don't know what I want it doesn't mean it's true.
You can't define me base on your own judgments nor you can mold my future base on your own presumption.

I am a day older than yesterday and I am year older than last year. I can tell that I am in the age where people get married, settle down or have their own career and profession and I am expected to conform to that standards of the world whether I like it or not. However, as day goes by, life is teaching me lessons that change my whole idea of conformity.

We are all created different and we have our own sets of standards. I have my own life to live and my own dreams to accomplish. Nevertheless, those sets of rules I put in myself in achieving my dreams can't deprive me from enjoying every single day God has bestowed in me.  Just because I am in the age where I am expected to have a  job, a degree, a husband probably, or a kid, I will have all of those at this very moment---- And just because I am expected to act according to my age, I can't act the way I was 5 years ago. Oh yes, I can always bend my standards for the sake of adventure and real joy. I can't just let other people's banters change me to the extent of losing myself in the process. 

In my age, I am like a rope played during a tug of war game--- the other side of the world trying to pull me to what they believed I should have been doing and the other side is my conscience and reality trying to fix my eyes to stay strong to what I've been wanting to do in this journey. Sometimes, the world wins in my thoughts but most of the time, my conscience wins--- 

I want everything in this life, but reality has always been there to block me from wanting that everything----because----I know that can't all have it-- but I can always focus to what I could have and press myself forward in achieving having it. I won't let other people's pressures and capacity to intertwined my thoughts manipulate my direction. When I do things, I do it because I love to do it, and it gives me so much happiness to do it. However, bending has always been part of me---- if and only if, it's worth the bend and it's right in the eyes of God. 

I may have different views as yours but that doesn't give you the authority to judge me as insensitive. I totally respect your opinion so I am also entitled of respect as well. I am not mad or upset, I am just expressing my heartfelt opinion rather than imprisoned myself with the idea that to respect others is to be quiet---- I can't be quiet. I always talk when I have the opportunity to talk and when I do, I see to it, it make sense. 

A tug of reality. It's either you let it build you, or defeat you. 

Friendship is Favored

After a long day from school, a cold autumn weather gave me a coldness that brings warmth to my heart and soul. I know it's a little complicated but that's how I feel--- And as I walk towards the parking lot, I felt the warmth of relief. A fifteen minutes drive home. But I felt I have to face the wall after a long argument and emotional battle. A week of emotional venting. 

I finally talked to the wall.A Wall that I've been trying to break for the past years. A wall that blocks me from trusting others. A wall full of doubts and insecurities---  And yes, it was the most thrilling yet amazing experience. I did not break it, it was broken subtly but surely. It was broken by a circumstance which made me appreciate the gift of patience. That we don't have to force something to happen in our lives---sometimes, we just have to wait for it to happen... piece by piece, little by little, God will help us in breaking the wall that weakens our capacity to enjoy the journey with Him and with other people. 

As soon as I face the wall, it gave me so much reason to rejoice for life. I forgot that I ain't living alone, that I have to communicate and just give life a chance and give myself a chance.. 

I made friends with myself now. I am favored with compassion and loaded with understanding. 

And as I end the night with a prayer, palm held together while staring at the horizon---- it's good to be friends with yourself again. A friendship I lost years ago.. and now...

A Friendship is favored. 

Weakness is Greatness

Scrolling it up and down. Checking on the news feeds in facebook while laying on my bed. I just couldn't sleep yet. While on my thoughts, I suddenly realized, while the other is enjoying--- I am putting myself together and connect the puzzle over and over again. Wait, I should stop. 

Have you ever felt being in a situation where you don't know who you really are from someone. I've been to a lot and it's not nice to always figure things out by yourself. It's not nice to always think of what's even not there and what's even not happening. You can't focus on what to do, because you always end up thinking of that someone without even knowing if that someone is thinking of you. Oh snap! 

I wish I am strong enough to just walk away and forget all the feelings inside of me. I wish I have the courage to just leave. But I ain't strong enough for it. 

But sometimes, being strong is not the only way to leave---- being weak sometimes is the only reason to just walk away and follow what's right. Oh well, we don't really know what's is the right choice but we can choose to make it right even if you're not sure of it. 

I may not be right in my decision now but I will make it right just because I need it. I want myself back and through my weakness, I can gain all the strength to just face my fears and just offer everything up to the Lord.

This time, I am one level stronger than the last time with my faith. And there's no turning back. 

I may be walking away now, but that's because I love God more than I love myself-- I love to obey Him rather than follow my own decision. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt Him and I'd rather struggle in the inside than fail Him over and over again.

I have to choose obedience.

Scared of Marriage

After a long pause, tears welled off my cheeks. Overwhelming droplets of water was coming out of my eyes. I couldn't stop from crying. A video of domestic violence just punch my heart in agony. I am hurting. 

I can't imagine life like theirs--- felt that watching the video was an eye opener for me on the uncertainties of life. I can't grasp the intensity of pain that I felt that I want to just close my eyes and forget the realities of this unfair world. Why does it have to happen to kids and women? Why do they have to experience it? If they experience it, will it happen to me too? What is the probability that it's not? And if it is, what's going to happen to me? 

My long deep pause of unanswered questions was finally answered. I was scared of marriage because of the uncertainties of it. Obviously, I want to get hitched in the future but I am scared of it--- too scared that I don't even want to commit in a relationship now. I am drowning with fear and it's slowly killing my sanity and sucking up negativity. 

I never wanted a life of richness. I only wanted a life full of compassion, care, and understanding. I never wanted a handsome partner with six packs and beefed up muscles. I never wanted a bunch of flowers and a multitude of chocolates. I never wanted a sweet words of affection and chivalry but a sincere heart. I never wanted a house full of decorations but a home overflowing with smiles. My standard isn't even high enough to have, but why is it so hard to earn? Is it me? Is it them? Is it the circumstance? Or is it the reality that's slowly slapping me to wake up and accept that what I want is way too far too what is really in store for me----- yeah, what is really in store for me?

I remember I told a friend, I'd rather be hurt from the outside like physically damage than be emotionally broken. Now I felt like all that I said was just a front---  because I was too scared to admit, that I am not strong. That I am not just afraid of the physical abuse---- I am scared of making a decision to choose who to commit myself into. Too scared to say that, having such kind of life is like living in hell---- too scared to accept that it is reality. Too scared to just face it--- too scared of myself. 



I am scared of it. I am scared of marriage--- I am scared of my circumstance. 


As i wipe my tears, I am wishing deep inside----that all my burdens be gone and all my fears be taken away from me. As I wipe my tears, I am praying that the domestic violence will stop and that guys will realize that hitting will not only damage a person physically but will damage a person emotionally---you are not killing them in the outside, you're killing them in the inside.

Laying on my bed now, still thinking of the horrible video--- trying to listen to my heart beat as it whispers---- 

You are too affected with it because you can see Jesus in them-- you see Jesus' suffering. You see Jesus' blood in them--- and it hurts you too much. 

Just sleep, I know you're scared---- but life has always been unfair. 
Just face it with God's love carrying with you the assurance of victory.

Hesitant Pause

Waking up carrying with me a different perspective of life while humming a beautiful love song. "lalala---the closer i get to touching you, the closer i get to loving you"

Smiling and Inspired. I can't get off the thoughts of having such a bliss early in the morning. I just want the world to stop-- I want my world to stop and stop with your world. I want to just forget everything and remember only you and our time together. I want to just pause and stare at you for a very long long time. 

Sometimes I ask God, why do I have to bumped to people who would always makes me feel so much but then at the end, it's still not them who could complete the journey. I dreamed of nothing but a simple and ordinary life overflowing with love and happiness. I dreamed of someone who can laugh with me and  just hang around not because they are oblige to do it but because they just want to do it. I dreamed not a life with money, prestige and honor but a life with humility, integrity and wisdom. In my journey, I realized it's not people who can make you happy---- it's your choice of circumstance. It's your decision to have fun and decision to be released from an entanglement on all sorts of pressures in this world.

I told God, if I am not for this--- please help me find a way to change my route. I deserve something greater than this kind of attention. I liked it. I am happy with it. It's not as happy as I thought it would be. It's scary. It's frustrating and sometimes its' annoying in a good way--- oh not really, it's like thinking right but heading left.  It's like saying, I like you--- but I can't---- it's like saying, I love you--- but I wont... :)

I always thought, love is a risk, life is a continues challenge and happiness is a choice. But when you are caught in a circumstance when all you can do is to just think over and over, if this is wrong--- and this isn't going anywhere, then why am I still here. 

Is it better to just say goodbye and leave----or stay and continue to scare myself of the consequence of this unknown hesitation. If I will leave, i will think as if no journey had happened. It's like being real and scream on top of my lungs "I need a long pause"----I am too tired to be always an option. If you want me, but put standards base on your own qualifications of life and love, then you don't deserve me, I don't deserve you and we don't deserve each other. Why play hide and seek when we can just face each other? Why need to run when no one is even coming to chase us.. Sometimes, facing our own shadows is the only way to find answers to our deep long pauses..

I can't be happy now then cry later.

I can only be happy now---- and forever----- a choice I made for myself.

"Give it time just a little more time, we'll be together as the song goes---- "

but time is running fast----- and what does a little more time mean? does it mean waiting for the right time, or just waiting in vain for the "perfect time"--

BUT there's no such thing as perfect time. :)

If I can measure time in a manner where I have to wait, I might die waiting for it. Because if I want something so bad--- dying isn't even a question for sacrifice. I am scared too, I am too scared--- but this time, I won't stop myself from expressing what I feel. It may hurt me in the end, but at least just for once, I'm being honest to myself and to the world. 

I heard someone at the train station last Friday while she was talking to her friend on the phone, I am not really intentionally listening but her voice is just too loud--- she said, "the only way to learn to do something, is by doing it"... It's like, why say you can't do it, when you didn't even try anything yet? Why say it will fail when you haven't even started the challenge--- why say the water is hot when you did not even feel it. By knowing a thing, we have to do something--- and by trying, we'll have our questions answered-- 

Yes, I have questions--- a lot of it--- but even before asking my questions, I already got the answers...by confirming it through your actions.  The manifestations of hesitation are strong and might even crushed me into pieces in the latter if I keep on figuring things out---- I want to try and reach out... I want to open up and just ask, where are we going? but the words aren't enough to ask such question... it needs strength.. and lots of it! 

I am scared of risk too--- I want to risk but when it comes to matters of the heart, I felt that I have to over protect it myself. So even without the person saying goodbye yet or no plans of leaving, I consider it as a temporary time, a borrowed moment--- and that eventually, the person will still leave you unrequited... it's like everyday is goodbye-- 

So for now, since I don't have the strength yet, let me just help you with your...

LONG HESITANT PAUSE...

LET ME PAUSE WITH YOU! 

Ouch to GLORY!

When lessons are learned.

I am amenable that when lessons are learned, it's either you learn it the easy way or the hard way. I can honestly say that my lessons are best learned the hard way. Well, actually I can also learn the easy way but God knows I am a person who has to experience pain first and chastisement before getting what He wants me to learn in the process. I say it's pruning--- but in a way, it's also God's way of really taking over. If I can't learn the easy way, okay, okay..God said, Hannah, I will make it harder. But I know you can bear it. 

Waking up in the morning has always been a grateful. It is full great and marvelous things that no man can actually fathom. I am breathing and I don't even know why. But one thing for sure, I am alive for a purpose and I am not going to stop from doing that purpose.

I have been to different testings in this mundane walk of life. And it hasn't given me enough reasons to give up. Why would I? When these trials and mistakes are my spices and it makes my life worth living. If life isn't hard, I would never even try push harder and do the ultimate level of my strength. I am not physically strong but mentally, spiritually and emotionally, I am getting there.. I did not made it this far if it weren't because of my trials in life. Shouldn't I experience it, my life will only be stagnant on a certain level of faith. Or maybe not growing at all. 

My strength can only be measured on the how many trials I've endured and how many mistakes I turned away from. I am not perfect and will never be.. and just because I am Christian, I live a perfect life--- no, I can't-- The only reason I live life joyfully is because I know that Christ is in me and in every mistakes and downfall, He will never stop from picking me up and dust myself off. But it doesn't mean I will keep on failing, it means---- I should learn from my mistakes so that when I bumped on it again, I AM READY.

I failed God 4 weeks ago--- but, that failure made realized that God is always right. When we decide to sin, it's either we sin all the way or we stop and be sensitive to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. I was convicted. I got hurt. And I hurt God--- I was scared of the consequence even if I know I have the grace. 

I learned my lessons the hard way. And by learning it the hard way, it's stuck to my heart, engraved in my soul and tied in my spirit. Yes, it's painful--- but it's beyond compare. 

Ouch to glory! 

TROPHY AND GOLD

You're like a trophy that I have to win.
You're like a mine of gold that I should keep.

The sudden thrill of emotions combined with understanding and romantic aura made my blood flowing from my blood stream, send a signal to my brain telling my heart, "hey, you deserve a smile.." (was that even a phrase?).. hahaha! Upon hearing those, it made me really smile big.

I haven't heard such a phrase coming from a friend who has a special space in my heart. He has a space because he gave me all the reasons in this world to live life happily. That I deserve the best, that I am worth the sacrifice, that I am amazing in an extraordinary way. That I am beautiful even if I know I am not the hottest model in town.  That I am sexy even if I am not as sexy as Angelina Jolie or the Victoria Secret ladies---- the thing is, I am appreciated. 

I mean, it's not about the physical appreciation, it's about the sincerity of words---it's about being honest beyond comprehension. I know I may not be sure about it, but it's different when a friend tells you this. It's like an ice cream full of toppings--- the bits of pieces of it gives me such a bliss that even the smallest piece, I will eat. 

I just want to thank God for  sending me an instrument to open my eyes to what is really in store for me in my future. I can honestly say to myself--- I am ready for your purpose and destiny. I offer my life to you God whatever, whenever, whoever. And no matter how long it will take for me to wait, at least in my journey---- I met someone who thinks of me as a trophy and a gold...

I thought God is the only one who thinks of me as a precious stone. Far more precious than rubies. Now that I heard all these, I felt content that I don't need to hear any of it anymore. I just want to live life for God and for righteousness.

I am a trophy.
I am a gold.

I am precious.

And God, you made me feel all these.. through someone. :)

I give you the glory and honor. 

Patience is Virtue

Finally!

I got it~ 

I just have to be patient and wait. I don't have to hurry nor rush things up--- 

I just have to appreciate every single opportunity, circumstance, trials, struggles, tears, smiles and life's complexities. I just have to be myself.

I don't have to pretend I can be the best nor try to be worthy when it doesn't need any trying at all. I don't have to present myself as someone that deserved the best when I can settle for the least but overflowing with love from within and contentment. 

It took me awhile to recognized my weaknesses, it took me awhile to process within myself that it's not through earning others affection that I may be able to find real happiness... but it's through being grateful with the life I have.

I am in awe with God's instruments and ways in making me learn life's lessons. It can come from someone unexpectedly awesome. Someone you wouldn't even think can create a huge impact in your journey to life. I haven't encounter such compassion and care from someone without asking anything in return.  I haven't had anyone said such words that made me smile the entire day..... 

I got it. Why would I spend time dating when I can just wait. I don't have to date to be seen. I don't have to be known to be appreciated. I just have to live life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week---- loving God, loving life, loving everyone and completing my purpose and destiny.

Yeah, they may say how can I marry if I don't date? how can I meet Mr. Right if I don't try to open my heart to such a worldly thing? My answer is, why do I have to? When Mr. Right is just around the corner... maybe I know him, or maybe not... but the thing is, I know for sure I don't have to spend my time impressing others--- and let others impress me or making a front to me just to earn my appreciation.

To someone who gave me such a new perspective and you know who you are... thank you! I can live life without fear of rejection now---you are such an instrument to remind me of His love and how precious I am. 

and to my Mr. Right-- I will remain pure till you come. And when that day will finally happen, I can look at you straight to your eyes and say, I may have stumbled while I waited--- but those circumstances made me who I am now and made my meeting with you dramatically worth it. 

I'm waiting. Let my count down begin. 

You Deserve It

You Deserve it.

I am a man with you because you deserve it. Hearing it from a young friend who is 7 years younger than me and whom everyone thought as an immature being was a blast to my ear. Who would have thought that he will be an instrument for me in my journey to life and love.

God moves in mysterious ways. I totally submit to that~ And having such a realization from a friend, is unexpectedly amazing! And it made it even more mysterious and surprising because God opened my heart to reality right after a failure out of rebellion--- God has always been so merciful and compassionate to me. He's always on time. And He works things together for good. A mistake sucked me downhill but an instrument pulled me up to get back up and move forward. We are given struggles either to resent and be angry, or be stronger and ready on the next battle. 

Indeed, not all guys are the same--- and we cannot define maturity by age---- 

He is just 19 years old but he acts and think like a 30 years old. Unlike Mr. M, he is 29 but he acts like a 19 years old~~ Well, if honesty hurts--- then let my honesty be a wake up call to other guys out there who thinks that they are matured enough in this lifetime. Yes, you may have everything--- Career and money---- but you will only be complete if you learn to respect a woman and treat her like a precious stone in a cave full of treasures. 

I am writing this as a challenge to all the woman out there, to not allow their emotions in making decisions. To think first of their purpose with Christ rather than their purpose in this world. To think of the consequence rather than the temporary pleasure. To think of Gods loving guidance and obey, rather than follow the desires of the flesh.

And to all the guys out there--- be a man! Relationship isn't about sex--- and you can't be a man through it----  Sex isn't a reason to connect rather it's a gift to be experienced after marriage with the one who deserve your love and intimacy. We cannot be complete through others love too if we aren't complete of our love to Christ. 

I agree, the journey to righteousness is a struggle. It's a warfare against the spirit and the flesh. It's a daily encounter, a daily battle. If you will allow yourself to sin, it's a choice--- but we also have a choice to get back up and continue--- or drag ourselves to the other side.. which is DEATH.

Not all of us who calls Lord Lord shall enter the Kingdom of God. Enough reminder for us--- to really pursue our journey with all our spiritual might and strength.

To all Young Christians out there, this walk is not easy as you think--- It needs 100% commitment--- it needs pursuance.. 

We should need it like we need to eat food every day-- 
We should need it as we need water, air and energy to live everyday-- 

Nourish yourself everyday. Meditate. Repent. Move Forward. 

Life with Jesus is worth it. If we really want to follow Him, we are to carry His cross and follow Him. It will take a lot of pruning and the pruning really hurts--- It will either destroy you if you let it, or change you if you let it--- Just be patient and trust God's heart on this---The reward is great! Expect Great things with God----

I am a Christian, but I am also human.

I may have failed God--- but I am pressing on for completeness.

God is not finish with me yet. I shall be stronger the next time. 

Unconditional Love

Wow! I failed God but deep within me I know He allowed it to happen because pruning is painful. And I should be hurt to bear fruit, to even be more stronger, to really pursue Him alone and not man. I am not going to stop from sharing God's word. I am a warrior and I am not defeated.

Yes, God is always on time. He sends people for a reason. He send people fora purpose and this time. I am sure I just hit it~ It's bulls eye! God never failed to make me feel that it is not through men that I may earn love but through Him and through me. It's not through my own hard work that I may earn love but through Him. That it is not through actions that I may earn love but through continuously walking the journey with Him.

I rejoice in every failure and I am not going to fail Him again.  I rejoice in every temptation because through it, I am able to resist the next time. I rejoice n my trials because through it, I am strengthened. 

I realized now that for me to grow, I should be pruned hurtfully. I should experience the hotness of fire to purify everything in me. I need to feel pain in taking off all the bad stuff in my life. 

Amazing, I may be hurt but God was never wrong in pruning me. And now, I am looking forward for a different chapter.

I am now pursuing God's love only and not man's love. I am now pursuing God's unconditional love and not man's temporary pleasure and compassion.

God, I know you're here... in my heart--- take away all the bondage in me. I don't need it. It's only you that I need so much. 

I love you

I love you.

Such an awesome words to hear. I haven't heard these words in a while. I haven't felt it for a long time from someone of the opposite sex--- 

"Mr. M" told me he does but it's too fake that it wasn't even coming inside of me. How I wish it was real, how I wish it was true but I am sure it wasn't. "I love you" aren't words but an action words--- If he truly loves me, he could have showed it to me and make an effort for it. But never did I experience any of it. 

I hope when people say this words, they mean it---- they felt it..  Because it aren't just something that should be taken for granted and thrown.. 

Two days ago, someone told me "I love you"-- it didn't bother me but I was so shocked reading those words. Well, maybe because I haven't heard anyone told me I am loved.. not even my friends.. Oh I have one friend who does, Marie---- :) but she only tells me she loves me because I always tell her I love. (It makes sense right?). But with someone you barely know and spend time with, it's near to impossible to hear those words. I am glad the he did but I felt that it's too temporary--- I hope that when people tells me they love me, it's for real and not because they're just under the influence of alcohol.

Those words means a lot to me, it gives me the strength to smile despite the sufferings and pains. And I won't lie, it did surprised me when "Mr. D" said that---- but he made my day. Deep inside me I wished it was true. Deep inside me, I wished he meant it. Deep inside me, I wished he didn't just said it because he was drunk. He's a special friend. Even my closest friends don't say those words to me--- So I am just glad someone did. 

I love you. Deep as it sounds but it can change someone's feelings. And emotions might be fickle sometimes, but it can provide such bliss in your heart that can't be explain by mere words. 

Follower

I am a follower.


Wow! That was heavy. I choose to be a follower of Jesus and not just a fan because I want other people to know that having a life with Jesus is the best thing that ever happened to me. 


Imagine waking up in the morning feeling grateful of everything that God has bestowed in me. I don't even know why I have this feeling, all I know is that Jesus change me. 


I choose to be a follower because I want to share to people that having such kind of faith will not only change you to become a better person but will teach you to Love others without condition, to love others even at their worst, and to love others even without anything in return. 


I choose to be a follower because I want to shout to the world that having Jesus is having life. It gave me more reason to live each day, to bring more people to God's Kingdom. If it weren't because of Jesus, I wouldn't be this excited to wake up in the morning and to just express how wonderful, awesome, marvelous--- and all the beautiful adjectives is an understatement for what I have with Jesus.


I choose to be a follower because I don't want other people to suffer in Hell. I don't want other people to experience pain and be stagnant in pain.  I don't want other people to feel unworthy. I don't want other people to feel unloved. I want them to know that I love them and Jesus loves them and that someone died for them! 


I choose to be a follower because I choose Life. 


I choose God. I choose righteousness. And I choose you! 


I want you to be joyful just as I am joyful.
I want you to have a gently spirit just as I have a gently spirit.
I want you to have peacefulness just as I have peacefulness.
I want you to experience worthiness just as I have worthiness.
I want you to experience LOVE just as I experienced love.


I want you!

Victorious

It was yesterday when I felt that I am not worthy of anything.. but you know what, God really loves me that He sends instrument in way I don't even expect... 


I couldn't stop from smiling now. I couldn't stop from praising Him and for just rejoicing for the victory. In the midst of defeat, the ray of victory is there--- we just have to open our eyes and walk slowly but surely.


I am just so glad that I endure this trial. I want to shout for joy for making me feel so happy and content. I was bold enough to say No to wickedness---well it wasn't me but the Holy Spirit in me! I just couldn't measure how awesome it is to be in this journey---- 


You are not assured of a storm free life but you are assured of a storm proof life!! and I can testify to that storm proof life!!! I have been into struggles and a lot of temptation---- but this time, it's different--- it's like I am a bit stronger than before. 


I am loving the feeling! God, I know I am worthy! I am sorry if sometimes I felt that I am not---- but now, I am sure I am loved---- and I am far more precious than rubies!


I love you so much!!


I choose purity!

Physical Attraction

I am far more precious than rubies.


That's what the bible said about me. That I am precious! Isn't that a wonderful thing? But no matter what I do, no matter how many times I read it---- why is it not coming through me?


Why does it always feel like I am not precious in this world. That I am not worthy. That I am not important. I have a lot of blog post about the feeling of being loved by God and yes it's true.... He's the only one who's true to His words. It's just that the LOVE of God is far more precious than rubies but the people around me always makes me feel I am not worthy of these rubies. 


I felt that I am just for fun, that I am just for lust and that no one will take me seriously~ I hate the feeling, but why is it that every guy I meet is only up to the physical level---- and no matter what they do, I am not compromising my faith now.  I love God and I don't want to hurt him---- 


One time, I told myself--- "What if I'll allow myself to fail for the sake of feelings"---- but at the point of choosing to fail, the feeling of emptiness and unworthiness came forth. The feeling that why would choose to fail when I have the choice not to was there---and I did the right choice but I felt unloved. I felt that, I was only longed for because of "physical wants"--- I was only liked because of "physical attraction"----  


This is so unfair. I'm tired of fighting this battle--- I am not suppose to fight for my own battle. I am not suppose to be alone in this journey--- but I felt that I am being left unguided. 


God, what's wrong with me? Can you help? I am too tired to live life like this..

WOMAN

This poem isn't mine, but I love it~ so I posted it here! 


A strong woman works out every day
to keep her body in shape,
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer
to keep her soul in shape.
A strong woman isn't afraid of anything,
but a woman of strength shows
courage in the midst of her fear.

A strong woman won't let anyone
get the best of her,
but a woman of strength
gives the best of herself to everyone.
A strong woman makes mistakes
and avoids the same in the future.
A woman of strength realizes
life's mistakes can also be God's
blessings and capitalizes on them.

A strong woman walks sure footedly,
but a woman of strength knows
God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look
of confidence on her face,
but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that
she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength has faith that it is
in the journey that she will become strong.

Letting Go!

I am not good enough. I am not perfect and my journey has always been an everyday thing--- A daily responsibility. 

I thought all the while that being emotionally attach is the only way for someone to sin and be tempted to do stupid things but it's not always like that. I just learned this weekend that even if we're not emotional and we're not deeply connected to anyone, we can sin and we can be tempted if we allow ourselves to be in a situation of sin. 

I am serious with my christian journey and the more I get serious, the more the trials, the harder the temptation to endure. The only way to survive is to really completely submit myself to the Holy Spirits guidance. I learned that I have to be more sensitive with it and that I should be more grounded with the word of God to keep my eyes focus on what is right in the eyes of the Lord.

Being in this journey has never been easy, and the more I trust God with my decisions, the more I am being tested by the faith I have with Him. If I really trust Him enough. I don't want to impress God anymore--- by doing that, I am pushing myself to self righteousness and not being able to enjoy God's wonderful purpose. From now on, I'll just let the Holy Spirit guide me and I now fully submit myself to the works of God. 

Last night, it was the first time for me to be cathartic and really pour out my heart to Jesus. I want more of Him each day. I am tired of my flesh. I am tired of fighting against it because I am sure I can't--- The only for me to endure testing is to surrender my everything to Him.

I am too scared to fall in love because I am very emotional. And when I fall, I fall really hard that I end up hurting God and disappoint Him of my irrationality and stupidity. But I am also too scared to fall that I play safe with emotions and play with someone's emotions. 

I just found out that I can both do the same thing---- And it's hard to fall in love when you are too scared for it. Because it's either, I hurt myself or I hurt others. And hurt God. 

I now know what I should surrender to Him. It's my fear of Love and fear of commitment. I can't Love others effectively if I am too scared of it. I can't trust others if I don't trust myself---- I have to leave my past behind and just try to live life anew. I am not perfect and I can never bring back the broken pieces of my heart. But God can always make it new, and I am looking forward for the day that it's not through my own strength that I will feel loved but through God's love and perfect surrender. 

Heal my heart Lord and make it new. 

Give TRUST a Chance

Stories could either change your perspective or mold you into a better person. 


I am not going to deny that I am greatly affected by the different stories of women being physically, emotionally, and sexually abused by man. Hearing their different story is like a torment in my heart. I felt that I am in their shoes and that part of me is also broken. I know that I have always been secured in God's warm embrace but every time I am reminded of the realities of this world, fear would always put a cloud in my heart. 


Each time I hear about the stories of women hurting in their marriage, I felt that I don't want to marry anymore. I felt that being single now is a choice and not an option. I felt that guys will always be abuser and they won't give love a chance. I hope I can fight this feeling.


If God wanted me to be single, I am more than willing to submit and surrender that to Him... but if singleness is a choice because I am too scared of what is in stored for me and my future, then that's not good. If I am bound to marry then it's going to happen but that's according to God's purpose in my life. But how can I do that.. 


If I don't give TRUST a chance.


I trust God but I don't trust myself.----- 
I don't trust my choices. I don't trust men. 


Heal me God. Heal me with the pain. I am almost there.. 


Just take away all the pain in my past. And the fear in my heart. 

Love Works

It is not an emotion but a verb, an action word.


Upon watching the different Filipino soap operas on television, it is slowly sinking in that no matter what--emotions will always deceive us from the realities of this world. When it's wrong, it's wrong--- when it's right, it's right! That's it! Why keep on pushing ourselves to what isn't right? 


I am truly amenable that too much of everything is dangerous and indeed, it can destroy us if we will allow it to control us. I am always reminded by God that the gift that was given to us are joy, peacefulness, gentleness and "self control"--- and part of it is to control ourselves from the emotions that lead us to deceitfulness, or if not to destruction.


Above ALL ELSE..GUARD YOUR HEART, for it affects EVERYTHING you do. _Proverbs 4:23_  


And yes, when we allow our heart to express everything despite the wrongness of the feelings, it will affect us----I don't have to explain it further since it's self explanatory. What I am just trying to drive at is that, we have to be careful in expressing ourselves and in allowing our emotions to control us--- 

Before listening to our heart, let us listen to what God is instructing us--- I know it's not easy, but it's worth it to really seek God's face and to really ask God for help in every decision that we make especially matters of the heart.

You will be surprised that He'll give you the answer that you've been longing to hear, just be patient, just have faith and just push further. We won't know His instruction overnight, it will always takes time and sometimes a lot of time---- but just don't stop, don't lose hope for the reward is great!

Now, I am guarding my heart. And God is my ultimate protector and my shield.  <3

Near yet so Far

You're there but you're too far from me---- 

They said, there will come a point when our heart just stop from calling someone's  name. Too tired to wait and too tired to pretend that everything is fine. I am not hurting but it seems like the more I would delve into this emotions, I would slowly kill my system and my intellectual capacity to emotionally attach myself to something really important. I might hurt myself in the process and guard my heart again so bad that it will take me another years of mending and recuperating.

I want to stop. I am starting to fall for you... but, you're killing me softly. I can't express myself, I can't just tell you how I feel, I can't just tell you I want you, I can't just tell you it's you that I've been thinking about life, future and good stuff--- that I want you to wrap your hands around me and just be with me.....because I am scared---- too scared to fall for you.. too scared to invest my emotions with you... too scared to be hurt.

So, now--- I am freeing myself from this bondage of emotions. Lord Jesus,  you've been so near, I've been so far---- please help me get near you now. I am tired... please just take me with you. 

I love you Jesus and I am excited to see you. Please take this baggage out of me. You know my heart, you know his heart... just teach both of our hearts to follow what is right for us.

He is near yet so far, but Jesus---- You are near, never far! And thank you so much for that! For being so patient with me. For being there for me despite my stubbornness. I offer my life to you. Take it, this is the only thing I have to pay you. Nothing more, nothing less. :)

Fortunately Unfortunate

Unfortunately Fortunate? or Fortunately Unfortunate?

It's not that I don't wanna talk to him again, but I just want to weigh things and discern because it has always been a struggle to fight between my emotions and reasons...I'm sure where this story will lead us, it's either we'll end up hating each other in the process or loving each other or just stop whatever the connection was. Well, to be honest we've been there already. Not the hating part, not the loving part but the sudden cut of communication. I almost wanna end it up not because I want it but because I should--- 


And yeah I forgot, this is America--- when you tell someone to stop, they would-- they wouldn't even care or dare to ask why or whatever, they will just do whatever you wanted them to do. Unlike in the Philippines, when you tell someone stop, they would do the exact opposite of what you want them to do and ask you over and over again---sounds creepy and annoying but that's cultural difference indeed. 

Anyway, I've been constantly fighting my thoughts that guys are the same, they're just there temporarily, that they're just there to make you smile for awhile then leave you hanging in the end, that they're just there to impress you, that they're not being sincere of their intentions with you, that they're just there to make you cry if not to make you hate yourself little by little. People can't blame me for having such kind of misconception? or let's just say, perception? or maybe, reality that I've been trying to shift to something extraordinarily untrue.

For me who has been into love, in love, in pain, in agony in the past? duh, this things hasn't really been new to me and I've learned so much from the past relationship that I have, and I realized, it's never too late for me to know someone who's worthy enough to indulge into something deep and intimate about me and what have been through in my life. I did not close my heart to beat again, to trust despite the heartaches and indefiniteness of the world and of people I get to meet in the walk of life rather I gave myself another chance to experience uncertainty between two people exchanging feelings with each other. It may not be that strong but at least you've showed sincerity despite the vagueness of the situation given.

I'm sure I met you for a reason and for me to know that reason, I need to search it out for myself and eventually as time goes on and as the clock tick I learnt that you were there to make me feel that loving myself isn't enough to live my life as it is but I have to give myself respect. I knew I loved myself that much that I almost forgot that respect is also part of my ingredient in preparing myself in loving others. I did gave in to temptation not because I want it but because I allowed myself to commit a sin for the sake of showing others some love even to the point of forgetting your own self in the process.

I did not regret it, but I learned from it. At least I let him feel that he's worthy of me and my life. Nonetheless, it dawned on me that even though a person would let you feel worthy of being respected as a woman, there will always come a point that he'll fail. I believe that he didn't mean to fail but there's a reason for him to fail. It's just up to him to change himself for the better or just allow himself to fail again. Failure is never final, unless you let it be.

I admire this person so much because he made me feel worthy even though he also made me feel unworthy. But even so I felt I wasn't respected, I felt I was important in an "unrespectable" way. I wasn't happy of what had happen but I was happy of the outcome because I did not delve into the negativeness but to the positiveness of it. I will never ever do that again to someone. Just to him. Just to him. He should be that special for me to say that. Yes, He is that special. It's just that I am not sure and I am not that ready to risk again and to allow another investment of feelings especially that He hasn't been to really not so good relationships in the past. I am not expecting for us to be together though because maybe he's not really the one for me, or maybe, it's too real that I felt it's temporary...but when two people connect with each other in an intimate way, there will always be a possibility of falling in love, or falling deeply in love and the sad thing is, He's never there emotionally---just physically. I don't know, it wouldn't be fair for me to judge him because I don't know what he is really feeling on the inside. I wish, wishes come true so that I can wish that I may be able to know every beat of his heart.   


I am not in love with him, but there's something in him that makes me just want to pound my head, in a good way---- I would say, he is my only exception. All the more for me to be scared of the future even if I'm living one day at a time, it's still a factor because when you're connected you're already in a relationship not as boyfriend or girlfriend maybe but something deep??? neah, or maybe something unexplainable by human wisdom. It's fortunate that after awhile, I've trusted someone so much that I am not afraid of anything. I don't care if he'll think less of me as a person what's important is that I've shared part of my life to him. And that's even more scary----


Yes, you said we're friends and will always be---And that gives me the comfort in my heart that "que sera sera, whatever will be, will be... the future's not ours to see, que sera sera...." 

You're near yet so far... and that makes us..

FORTUNATELY UNFORTUNATE.

failure=LESSON

      When we are compounded by life's realities that's the only time we are marveled by the blessings that we have. I am gratefully overwhelmed by my life's lesson every day and it's such a bliss having trained by God with my walk of faith and and journey to righteousness. I remember walking thinking of the things that I shouldn't have done, and I just asked God-- 'why do I have to fail?' and a clear still voice whispered, "IF YOU WON'T FAIL, YOU WON'T LEARN"---- WOW! who would have thought that I will have such kind of encounter with the Lord. It has been days that I struggle from my emotions and I've been fighting my flesh, and when I loss the war, I ended up blaming myself for it.  Indeed, it was my fault but circumstances happens because it needs to happen... not to condemn you, but to teach you a lesson.


I never want it, I never thought of it, I never want to fail God--- but like what He said, if I won't fail, I won't learn. And I did learn, and I learned a lot!!! I felt even more loved by God in times like this because He never made me feel alone and condemned despite my imperfections. However, I shall do  my best and push forward with my faith even more to show to Him that I am serious when I said, I want HIM to change me. I want Him to completely renew everything in me and start anew. 


I am walking a new journey now and I am really excited and I'm looking forward for another trial. I know that He won't give me anything I can't bear. So, aja aja for the next one! ^_^ I love you Jesus and you never failed to make me feel loved too every millisecond of my life. You are the only one whom I can't live without. 


Thank you for coming into my life and please continue to renew my spirit and guide my feet with your light. 


I am up for the next challenge.